Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
