no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
