Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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