Yo dont text me then not text me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
