someone get that fucking seahorse.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
