Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
