TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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