I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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