Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
