Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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