you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
