You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize