Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
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