I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dick very happy bro
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
