Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
