He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize