I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
