He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize