Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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