WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
