When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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