Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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