thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
