I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
