i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
