I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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