Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
