I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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