Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
