If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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