I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
