This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
