ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
