I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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