you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
