I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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