every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
