4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Everyone says I win the strip club
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
