im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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