He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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