I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
