I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
