the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
