My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
