What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize