My liver just broke up with me...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
