Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
