happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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