she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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