just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
