1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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