I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
