I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Someone came in the potted fern
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
