I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
