we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
