I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
