I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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