I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
