I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
