I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
