we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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