glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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