I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
