so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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