my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
