How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
